I carefully researched the planetary transits and star meanderings while drinking a bottle of merlot (first mistake) and crafted your horoscopes for AWP 2015.



Did you pack enough pinstripes, spring whites, and business cards? Because this event can only have one of two outcomes: you're either going to walk down to City Hall in Minneapolis with a Pulitzer finalist and an engagement ring on your finger, or you're going to sign with the first agent who pronounces "Louboutin" correctly.


You will underwrite two struggling literary mags up front with cash money for a year like some nerdy Daddy Warbucks. Makin' it rain! And then you will use one hand towel for your entire body for the entire week because SAVE THE EARTH. And after a poetic and captivating lecture on the origins of names such as Halimah and Lincoln, you'll end the conference as the newest member on the masthead at Electric Lit. You can bike home happy.


No, no, sweetie. You're on the wrong flight. Los Angeles is NEXT year.


How many bar brawls can you get into at AWP's off-site readings while defending female writers against mansplainers? NOT ENOUGH, dear Aries. Roxane Gay is your (sane) copilot.


You will charm Karen Russell into accompanying you and your ridiculously good-looking friends to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet at 2:30am. Seafood in Minneapolis? Yes, only you can sniff that out. Dinner (breakfast?) will end with a picturesque sunrise and "nature walk" in a dog park and you may kinda sorta steal a puppy to cuddle with for the rest of the conference but you tell yourself you'll bring it back to its family. You will sleep through your scheduled panel. You will text KRuss for brunch.


Goes a little something like this: "Ha! Why would you waste your precious money and time floating along in a pool of thousands of writers, most of whom have no idea how to converse without a screen in front of their faces? I blocked all of you for the next two months to avoid your selfies. Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (resumes reading an ARC of Jesse Ball's A Cure For Suicide attained through blackmail)


This transit indicates you will end up singing Frozen's "Love is an Open Door" at karaoke while subtexting Adrian Matejka. Or it indicates you'll get a call from your mother asking you if you're having loads of "writerly" fun (what does that even mean) and did you get someone to look after Mittens, or did you just rely on that sketchy neighbor of yours again. Outlook is cloudy.


Reservations for party of one in the executive suite, motherfucker. Your time has arrived. And just where the hell is Parris-Lamb? He owes you for that one night in jail...but no bigs, bro. Because that's what you are, a team player. The best team player this side of the universe. And sexy. It's all good that you triple-booked editors with exclusive invites to champagne meetings. They will wait. THEY. WILL. WAIT.


Jesus H. Christ, Virgo, do NOT straighten that stack of crooked Missouri Review issues. They're fanned, honey. Fanned for a reason. And they saw you straighten it three hours ago. Now you're making them nervous. Go get a shot of bourbon from Hobart and cozy up to a memoirist by offering him or her your hand sanitizer.


You will post scanned Polaroids of conference attendees' shoes to your Tumblr with the line: "In a little while, the dinner party will be over and the war will begin." *


Be sure to stock up on Gatorade, beef jerky and condoms, sweet little Scorpio. Did you pack the blindfold? Because you'll have your pick of newly separated novelists to feast upon and worship in romance but you'll choose just one. Have fun, and be realistic about your summer camp-long obsession. For the love of Lorin Stein, stay 3 book fair tables behind the hottie you're stalking. Not to break your heart ahead, but your paramour just gave you a phone number to some pizzeria in Kansas City.


Yes, we all RSVP'd to your "special" after party at the Hyatt. No, no one is going to want to hear your In The Shadow of Left Shark performance poetry. Is that...Purple Drank?

* Kelly Link, Stone Animals from Magic for Beginners. Get on that.